Many a person has been asking me for a update on my life.

Sadly, I feel as though there is nothing to report.  Everything is the same as weeks ago, at least it feels that way.  I suppose I have been growing and changing, but it has been in way that are not describable, or easily visible, and even less talk-about-able.

So, the short of everything is that I am Me.

The simple, yet wonderful, highlights of time spent would be:

-Bowling with my brothers (85 points... yea!)

-Eating at a courtyard cafe' with my family and then stuffing LOADS of candy in my pocketbook (Counterban...ha ha) and going to see Evan Almighty.

-Jogging for the first time in way too long.

-Changing my sheets last night.

-Going to the lake with my brothers and playing this unique game they created that involves pinecones and throwing mud at them.  It was awesome.

-And the fact that I am currently eating a delectable piece of triple chocolate cake (made possible by the jog last night)

Down.

In many ways this is a true statement of my life.

There is always the joke that people love to inflict upon me that I am "down" because I am so close to the ground (ha ha- never heard that before).  But in all lights I suppose it is true.

Then there is the "physically" down feeling.  I had a VERY refreshing weekend, but being back in the real world has brought about the opposite feeling of refreshed.  I feel drained, remembering and missing the fact that I wasn't a few days ago.  I need to suck it up and be thankful and content that I had a time of rest... but, I don't have the gumption for that yet.

Emotionally I have been wearing down slowly, but surely, for weeks.  It has now become evident to all who have seen me today.

Brain wise... I pretty much give up.  I can't figure anything out and God seems ok with that.  I trust Him and love Him very much, and even though I suck at it, and seem to be continually failing, I am trying to wait on him.

What  "is to come" is also making me down in all the above areas.  Please pray I will quit building scenarios in my head whether they prove to be true or complete falsehood, I am putting my body through their ramifications at this very moment, when currently nothing good or bad has necessarily happened.

Current things that I deffinately know that I want even though it may take me quiet some time to get them, although for the first time I can almost afford the majority of them, but I want to be able to do so and also do normal things like... eat, thus, the slight pause in time:

- My own place.  A cute, non-dangerous little place of my own not too far from work, home, or church (sort of a hard combo when you factor in the safety aspect in this county).

-A truck- although I have been die hard about a toyota I am now open to the idea of a chevrolet (either will have to be...big)

- A jet ski (this will be my credit builder **wink**)  I have been driving one over the last few weeks and I have come to the realization that nothing calms my nerves better.  I feel one with the machine.

I feel excited about budgeting for all these things, mainly because I think after a little savings (for good measure) I will be able to afford all of the above (maybe not the truck and jetski at the same time EXACTLY:)Along with the "place" I am also excited to decorate with my own personal style.  It's nice to be working, enjoying the work, and to be able to actually be making enough to not just skimp by.

This is sort of a boring post.... but it's what I've been thinking about.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."

-Jim Elliot

I have been thinking about things that I can't keep-- the normal things like possessions and the like came to me first, then the thought of meaningless parts of relationships-- you know, comparing yourself to others, keeping up with the "Jones'" concept, and things that won't ultimately last.

But these thoughts flowed into a thought train that has lead me to a place in which I have never trod mentally.  What are things that I can not keep... when my life here in earth is over what am I going to leave behind?  Tears, sadness, anxiety frustration, disappointment, hurt, failure, worry, discontentment, pain, self-worth issuses.  I struggle through all these things, and see them all as huge miles stones in my life, and in fact they are, to some extent, but it isn't them-- it's the victory over them that offers me hope and the security that things change.  And yet-- I cling to the hardships, as some type of boost for myself, as proof that I can make it through hard things, when in fact those things are just more perishable items that would perverbaly be put in the trailer behind my hearse. 

I saw a three stacked rainbow yesterday after a fearsome rain.  I pulled over, looking like a freak, crawled over my seats and just soaked up the remembrances of promises.  Things that are true.  I asked God for my security-- I've been so unsafe... trusting in the negativeness that shapes my progression.  It was then that I felt for the first time in a long time... that I moved forward... grasping onto what I can not lose.

Today for no huge reason I kind of feel like a loser.  But I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not so I am sure after a little sleep I'll be fine.

Maybe it's because I am tired-- but I have no clue why because I am slept good last night.  I dreamed that it was raining though, so while I layed in bed (after hitting snooze) I planned a whole outfit that would be appropriate for rain.  It wasn't raining and the plan was lost.

Work was huge today... I feel like a pile of moosh.